Wednesday, October 14, 2009

30 Days of Fright – 12: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

What the hell is wrong with Jessica Biel's mouth? Here's a girl with an attractive figure (which is the diplomatic way an engaged man like myself says "she's a fit bitch") but a face that looks like something a mutant would go "yuk" at. Holy Christ, the makers of the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre managed to get this girl from all the wrong angles close up.

I mean, look at this,
Here we see young Miss Biel in a normal enough shot, looking reasonable:

Even in this shot she looks alright, I suppose:

But what's going on here? What's with the catfishmouth thing?

 Or here? Dear Lord the wheels came off the wagon....

So anyway, after sitting all the way through the 2003 edition of Chainsaw the state of Jessica Biel is really and truly the most interesting thing to talk about, due in no small part to this being another run through an already shite script.

Set in 1973 and like the original, Chainsaw 03 tells of a bunch of college types travelling through Texas, this time on their way from Mexico to a concert in Dallas. They'd been south of the border for a little R&R and to purchase drugs with intent to sell. The kids are all roughly the same as in the '74 movie only this time they're all able bodied, no room for wheelchairs in this version. They pick up a hitch-hiker (a girl this time) who kills herself (instead of attacking the kids in the van). It goes on and on like this, it's the same as the original but just a little different – just enough as to stand on its own.

The kids stop and look for help. They meet the wrong sorts who direct them to their deaths, all except perky Jessica Biel, who after a bit of chase gets away pretty much without a scratch and quite hoarse from all the screaming. The End. Again.

With oil prices returning to normal, the chainsaw is once again the weapon of choice for deranged psycho killers!

This is a film chock full of conveniences. Some of them are OK, like the leaking water pipes in the house built in one of the hottest states in America – the pipes are leaking just so that there's water in the basement for Jessica Biel to fall into, thus soaking her T-Shirt, making it nice and see-through; or the water in the meat factory that's there for young Jessica to fall into in order to re-soak that T-Shirt of hers; or that sudden change in the weather towards the end where it starts pissing rain in one of the hottest states in America just as Ms. Biel's shirt was drying out. Like I said, these conveniences are OK. But the most evil family in America living in apparent isolation, miles from anywhere though also on the main road from the Mexican border to Dallas – I don't buy that.

Or one of the evil family getting elected Sheriff? Or these five morons trafficking quantities of drugs across the border? Nope, not going for that either, though the lads must of had something going for them – why else were they galavanting around Mexico and Texas instead of off fighting in Vietnam?

Two Thumbs Down for the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Two Thumbs Up for Jessica Biel's Arse.

To read more (as opposed to watching this film) check out:

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